my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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