Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize