I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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