she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
