I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
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I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
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Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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