Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
