He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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