i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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