I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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