you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
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someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
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Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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