im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
