He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
is wine microwaveable?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
