I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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