I love black thongs
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
