I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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