I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
