I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
