Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
