So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
