So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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