Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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