You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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