Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We just shotgunned beers for America
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
