he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Girls should come with a carfax report
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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