mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
