just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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