Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
