chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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