I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
