so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
