Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
