I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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