there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
