Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
