You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
