hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
