I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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