I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
