I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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