remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im holly from the hills drunk
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
