forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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