well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
