my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
