Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
