He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
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He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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