The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
