wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
