so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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