Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
