I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
