So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
