TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
