just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
