I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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