I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
