well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
