porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
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Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
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I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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